I promise not to blog anything that is work-related – not even a single detail on what I am doing in a company I am working for. But forgive me Sir CAC because I cannot stand on that vow. Anyway, I will not speak something technical here but is certain to my very own personal experience. My feelings towards what I am doing, my get together with you all as my “temporary peers or friends” and of course, my most overwhelming memories.
The story is short but I will not iterate on how I was offered and eventually signed a project-based, 5 months contract with Petron Corp. in Pandacan. My gratitude to Ma’am LMR who did hit me a text message to which I could not afford to disregard. I made her a call and the rest is not history (for a change) since no archivist will have an interest of writing such. I become part of, but does not “substantially belonged” to the company and the reason why…(I AM SORRY FOR BEING SELFISH)…I believe that you less eagerly wanted to know it.
The contract ended yesterday, January 15, 2010 and the memories of my 5 months of stay are still fresh and keep flashing back like nightmares ruining my whole night, making me inconveniently mesmerized. But, on the other side, I just can’t negate the laughters, the smiles of seemingly innocent and/or mysterious faces, the afternoon food trip and the “lunch breaks” of discussions that was made more spicier with the presence of my fellow, Mr. Jake Tan.
One very annoying past that I always never wanted to recall was the time that I spoiled the Panlab’s Christmas Party. I, being obliged to present a piece (since it is a tradition that new “recruits” should have a presentation) chose to render a song number. Guess what happened! I forgot the lyrics, the lyrics that I only memorized the night before, making me totally in trouble in front of the guests. I was able to recall few stanzas but I became deaf to hear the music’s beat…all I was hearing that time is my fast heartbeat. I was completely humiliated, guilty due to grave selfishness. I should have perform with the group for a dance number. However, I am always reluctant since I have not done it before, not even a try.
I am completely closed when I was in Petron, indifferent with their feelings, tolerant with their existence and unaccommodating with their immaterial presents. I always say that my feelings is only sympathy and not love. The truth is, I am always in-love, 50% for my family and the rest for myself and friends and nothing allocated for whom they called special someone. My sufferings hardened my emotions and pains made me callous and non-socially attuned. I am egocentric in such away that I handle problems and sorrows by my own, never listen for advices and hold it as long as I can contain it.
At Petron, I smiled a lot contrary to the real feelings I do have. I just love wearing funny mask to hide my real emotions, to suppress my turmoils and to cover my exasperated face.
I call them temporary friends because, when I am gone I will be futile like how my former temporary friends left me.
Starting today, I may impermanently cease worrying on what will I do every time I will be in Panlab but started worry on what will happen tomorrow. I always crave for change but I am always hesitant for it. I am afraid to face new mysterious faces and another judgmental personalities but love to earn more acquaintances. I hate new adjustments but love unusual and non-routine tasks.
Life has really been uneasy for me and I can not define my mind set because of my failures that I could hardly escape from, candidly being caged with my delirium.